Forlorn

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"Halo, apa kabar?"

I think that's the words I want to hear (receive) the most. Because I feel lonely and nobody really ask "How are you?". Nor anyone asks me whether I'm doing fine. I might sound exaggerating in this post, I do have a lot of friends but nobody seems care. Even my parents.

I was diagnosed with mild depression last year, literally the end of the year. It was mild because I know something is wrong in my head and I decided to see the doctor before it got out of control. I talked to the doctor, trying to find out why did I get the depression from? There were a lot of factors. First, I started to realise that my job is pretty demanding. I believe that I will be able to handle it but not today, not this years, I need to learn more. As if everyone is running and I need to run twice or even thrice harder to catch up. The good news is I slowly adapt the environment and try my best to do the job as much as I could. I don't want to strive for perfection, I just want to do what I am capable of and not to overthink or overanalysing things.

The second, since I've been the first born of the families. I have invisible duties to keep my family in one place. I think this is the hardest part of my life. Should I write it here? I do feel concerned if I spill too much and ended up embarrassing my self or let anyone see me naked. By telling you this, I actually stripping my personal life off. I let it out and of course I am not gonna promote this post anyway.

So, I have a problematic family life. Things that got me the most is Daddy Issues. I hate my Dad, I'm sorry Dad but it is true. I think the root of cause for everything that happen to my family came from him. It was like snowball effect. I basically hate of being born into my family. It was never a family that gives me warmth. It was never a family that I would choose, if God had given me a chance to opt out before being born. If the father paradox doesn't exist, I might slipped into my mother's past and never let her marry my Dad. I'm fine for not being born at all rather than living in a family like this.

The intro sounds scary uh? My Dad was not that abusive, he was abusive but nowadays it got better. I think his past and his parents turned him to be like who he is. The accumulation of lack of attention, the ambition to not repeating the same mistake, and the desire to be seen or understood or become the attention shape him like he is today. I tried to fully understand his background and situation but I just don't accept his method.

I grew up in fear, so did my siblings. My Dad is a control-freak to the level that gives me headache. I know that he wants the best for his child. I understand that a lot. That is why he drove me to be ambitious, to fulfil his dream, to be who I am today. Thanks to him, I reached a better place compared to my peers back in Malang. Thanks to him, I grew up as an independent, strong-driven, and ambitious person who always try to do her best. Thanks to him, I dreamt of studying abroad and finally got it. Big thanks!

However I never felt warmth. I never felt that I've been loved by my parents. I live my own life, I decide what I want to do (in a positive way), otherwise my Dad would cut me off from that. I clearly remember that he tore my book into pieces when I didn't want to buy him something. Meanwhile HE GOT THE LEGS AND HAND TO DO IT BY HIMSELF! What's more irritating? I bought the book by my own money! I hate the way he treated me and my siblings. As I said, I grew up in fear. I didn't have respect for him. I hate him and I fear him. As I grow up, I no longer fear him and still don't respect him as a proper father.

Cut the chase, his method to raise his children is hugely unacceptable. He controls us too much, he limits us, he didn't give us room for discussion, all we can do as his child is to obey. That doesn't go well if you want to raise kids nowadays. Give them love and guidance, they will listen to you. Because of that, big accident happened in my family. And how my Dad handled the situation? He thought that he put his best to protect his children. I, somehow understand his good intention, but that won't work. I knew it wouldn't work at the first place. Who involved in the accident? That was my brother.

Since his first accident, apparently my brother didn't learn. He made another mistake and My Dad handled the situation exactly the same! Can anyone at my house really think the long term implications of a decision? I lost words. Bad handling situation which maybe I'm too young to understand (but well in my perspective things that My Dad has done back then was his biggest mistake) because he keeps firing back at me by saying "Oh daughter, you haven't been a parent yet. You wouldn't understand."

The consequences and the implications now he sow. Guess who got the bullet? Me as the first born! Psychiatrist told me to ignore my family problem since it is not my issue at the first place. But man I am just a human and I can't tell anybody about this. When I told everyone I had issues with my family, they don't provide the answer I am looking for. That was why I didn't feel in a good shape nor has any passion to write again, become productive, or continuing life.

Yes, I reached a state that I want to kill myself. I didn't take my own life because I know it would be hurt. Besides, I am too precious to die young in abnormal way. I still have dreams I haven't fulfilled yet. I have been locked my self in my room for days, decided not to meet anyone (even it's my closest friend), and did not contact anyone either (apparently my friends were not curious about how I am doing). That time, I felt so alone. I felt unwanted and insignificant. I thought this world is gonna rotate on its axis just like what it should be without me. Because who cares? Nobody cares about my whereabouts or my existence.

I never felt so lost in my passion. As I keep telling you in this blog, writing is a healing for me. I don't think that works anymore. I lost my passion in creating something. I lost my sense to write. Got lots of ideas buzzing in my mind but I was never be able to write it, until today. I am bored. I lost my fire. I don't know what I am going to do next. I am trapped in a routine. Forlorn, I would say.

After seeing the psychiatrist, I do feel a bit better. Then I found my happiness because of Day6. I found a tool that makes me feel loved and being wanted. It is never been what I have but things that I don't have. Love. I am not craving for attention in such way though I have to admit I want to be loved and dearly cared. I want to feel warmth that nobody ever give me. I want somebody to just ask me "How am I? What did I do today?" and that I can do better. I will always do better and fulfil my dreams.

Sometimes I feel like my friends don't really appreciate my existence. I do feel that I was there because they need me. I never told them I need them because I don't want to share the burden. I never told them because I don't know which part of my broken life I would like to share. I may look strong at the outside, but I am actually fragile at the inside. And nobody knows that. Guess everyone thinks about themselves and worry about their own life. I don't worry about my self too much because I'm too careless. However, can just anyone somehow pat me in the back and ask "Hey, it's been a long time. Do you have anything to share?"

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