Unwinding Thoughts: I hate being ignored

I've always love my thinking process. It seems like it's just me against the world. Me and the invisible bubble I created no matter where I am. I can just lost in thoughts and being transparent to myself. Just like today, the thought process I've experienced while riding my motorbike on the way home, under the rain.

I realise that I still hate to be ignored. I tried to identify the reason why do I hate to be ignored? Probably because I've never been the centre of attention to my parents? Or probably because I never get appreciated as I deserved in my whole life? Therefore, I really need some kind of validation or at least being heard by someone else.

The trigger of this post is actually my professional life. It's been multiple times that I usually explains without being asked or helping voluntarily but I didn't receive the respond as I expected. The most recent cases are:

I had reminded the working level to use the data based on certain source, arguing that that certain source data is valid while when we tried to formulate our own data it wasn't valid. But the other working level argue as the boss asked them to elaborate the data by ourself despite our limited capability in defining the universe of the market and limited data sources. So I let them be. And turned out, I was right. I was right for using that certain source of data at the first place and they got their data wrong, unreliable, and invalid.

Second, I had explained and translate management expectation in formulating certain materials to be presented. I had explained it in detailed manner. But no one ever listen. No one ever consider what I was saying until they face the wall and couldn't even bear to break it. No one ever listen to what I was helping them to understand in formulating that materials as the higher ups wanted it to be. And everything was in chaos.

Actually these happened a lot.

Everyone seems to be complaining about no one could ever translate what the boss want. I was there voluntarily but nobody listened. It feels like everything I said doesn't matter.

Oh well. It is. Since day 1. Did they ever ask me what do I want to have in my birthday? Nope they decided it by themselves. Did they ever ask me what do I want to play in our band showcase? Nope they decided it by themselves.

This has been a year I'm working in this new unit and now I can see, everyone is so smart that my opinion doesn't matter. So I decided to just voluntarily silent and watch them crying in pain while I'm laughing at the back. Because I tried to help countless time but it never matters.

Then I reflect back. Is there something wrong with the way I deliver things? Probably it is. Perhaps the way I communicate it feels too intimidating or not giving the room for discussions. Perhaps the way I speak was too boring that not even a person wanted to really listen to me. Perhaps the way I elaborate and explain something is too cocky and snob so no one ever wanted to listen to me. That's when I decide to keep things to myself which allows me to listen more. Probably no one ever want to listen to me, so let me just be the listener not the speaker unless they ask me to speak.

This is the reason why I felt so unfit in corporate life and prefer the academic life. I love being at school, reading journals, doing a research because it allows me to brainstorm with myself. I will have to brainstorm with others only if necessary. This is why I am fit to work in consulting as well. Because they will do something first then discuss. I don't like the way everybody works in my current place now because everyone tried too hard to look smart? Or maybe they really are smart and love arguing. I don't like discussions without us focusing on what's on our plate first. I don't like free riding.

Perhaps it's just the way I work is so much different with these people after all.

In my old place, though it was toxic because everyone tried to save their own asses, I fit straight to the way they work. Solid and organised distributions of work, clear responsibility, clear accountability, and we discuss things after everything was done. So there's no room for big mouth. And it's working efficiently, effectively. That's how I would work in academia. I'll focus on things on my plate, getting things done in organised manner, clear responsibility and accountability. I don't like irresponsible behaviour, especially when it goes in the way I work. Because I do believe that I am responsible to what I'm doing.

Additional thing that may drive me further away for staying in this company is the rewarding system. Rewarding system as in promotions and career. The more I am staying, the more I can see that I am unfit in every aspects. I truly understand that my social skill is below average so I expect my acceptability around the higher ups stoop so low. I also had made scar that probably no one ever forget, yep I simply wrote about how bosses can be so ruthless in terms of working hour. But everyone mistook it as defamation of company's image. That's one. Another thing is the more I work here, the more I realise that people will only see you because you're good at communication, you love to be here and there as the social butterfly. Not because you're good at doing your job. Not because of your educational background. Simply because the boss like you or dislike you. It's highly subjective. That's why I don't see any future to stay here any longer.

I could see myself as a person to be hated. Probably I really bring out bad luck with me and born to be hated. It's because I am transparent with myself. It's because I do what I feel it's right. Just like the first case on the 4th paragraph in this post. I am too assertive that maybe only a handful of people can handle me. I do realise that I may have the potential to lead. But I am certain this company won't appreciate someone like me. I am certain that how loud I speak in every opportunity, I will never be heard. But that's the point of this post.

Sometimes I do feel that I am acting holier than thou. Sometimes I do feel proud of myself because unless I never get listened, I will never listen thoroughly to others. I realise this recently, that I listen more and understand more by listening. This the part of me accepting the pain of being ignored can be my strength in other aspects. So, rest assured when you tell your stories to me I'll listen. I'll listen very well.

And without being ignored so much in my whole life, I won't be able to identify and accept the part of myself that I maybe that bad in communication. I always remember the world doesn't revolve around me. So let everyone ignores me, I'll live my life in peace.