Unloading Baggage

Now that not much people visit this page, I think I can be more care-free in unloading my baggage and thoughts.  I have a lot to say since the last time I wrote here. I kept a lot of things unloaded previously. Life has been so interesting in 2024 to 2025 that I lost track, yes this is an excuse for not writing those down. Lately I moved into more visually pleasing medium (TikTok, Instagram, and Youtube Shorts) that I eventually lost my touch in written form. As always, first paragraph will tell you the explanation of my absence and such. Nothing much here.

Anyway, I started to realise I had to re-structure my thoughts because I have been carrying heavy burden. My life story always revolve around work, family matters, my aspiration, and love. None other than those. Through this post, let's break it down one by one and help me untangle the loose end of a thread.

Define Maturity

Yesterday, I had an interview which I was pretty satisfied. During this interview, I guess I present my self on the best I could do that day. Later on I realise, "We're all just good at lying." on which being corrected as "You just show up as a polished version of yourself." Technically those weren't lie, you just present the best version of you to the table because you are pitching yourself. I am still doubting that tho, I still think maybe they consist of lie and truth mixed up.

What makes me feel satisfied with yesterday's interview is the fact that I brought positive energy throughout the interview. All smile, speaking with convincing tone, high spirit, facing the camera. I felt great yesterday. I did rehearse several parts, I did see some of the questions being asked coming, I could say I was 80% well-prepared. Thus, I presented myself with no pressure and only confidence. Another thing, I like the story I built about myself. Although I have to admit, these artificial intelligence tools helped me. These robot helped me better than any human around me in finding the consistent thread about me.

I like it when I told the panelists I have been consistently pursuing and maintaining in Behavioural Science. I like when I finally discovered the connection for what I have been doing these past decade. I am indeed staying on this Behavioural Science path for that long and it was never turned off. With the help of the tools too, I realised that I have matured a bit professionally and psychologically in this PhD preparation. Failure doesn't kill you, it shaped you. Looking back, never thought I'll be standing in this point where all those failed attempts, rejection, and identity crisis will lead to this maturity of understanding myself.

Six years working in the current company also had led me to be a seasoned professional. I often thought it's still too early for me to push myself leading. The reality disagree with me. In reality, I have show a leadership, giving structure to an unorganised body, showed up when I didn't want to, take accountability, push change. Those are micros but I did those. So, don't you agree that I am maturing professionally too?

Mental Baggage

As my professional standard grow over time which contributes to my growth as a person too, I carry this mental baggage with me. Now I got a clarity of what I find comfortable in professional settings: organised, freedom, clarity, and fairness. There's no perfect leader in work settings, admit that. But now I understand, to become the best version of myself, I need those. I have worked under demanding and high standard line manager, it shrink my competence and confidence. I have worked under fair and objective line manager, they just don't have enough motivation to push changes. Now I work under unorganised, unfair, and micromanaging line manager, it results to the high spike of cortisol. I couldn't stand lazy leadership, especially those who rewards emotional proximity rather than professional performance.

Everyday it feels like I am battling with invisible being, though probably I don't have to if I try to let go of control. I just dislike being sidelined, treated as if I am invisible and that my opinion doesn't matter. I don't like having to carry the team doing intangible things then taken for granted. I don't like having to cover other people's accountability with no clarity of who owns what. Sometimes I blamed myself for taking initiative and cover intangible roles. Most of the times I dislike myself as a high-functioning and responsible person even though the responsibility had to be fairly distributed. I am just too responsible to let things go down into drains without anyone caring. If at the end of the day everyone takes the fall, at least I need to manage minimum casualties. And I dislike myself to voluntary take over that role where the responsibilities weren't mine since the beginning.

This is why, I craved freedom. I crave to stand on my own feet while everyone around me being a supportive and responsible adult as they should be. Work is an easy feat if everyone owns their accountability in doing something and work together to reach the common goal. Unfortunately, workplace doesn't work like that and again I have to adjust. It bites back to me who need to manage expectations, manage my mental load so I am not trapped in gymnastics, managing how I response which I still find difficult to tolerate abnormal circumstances in workplace.

The more you know, the more you realise that you have nobody else to rely on except yourself and (your God).

Managing Expectation

Do you think I am doing well in my life? You barely right but you aren't wrong either. In surface level, I think I am doing well too. I can manage my life without crumbling or slipping into darker side of life. But you have to understand too that I barely manage to structure and organise my thoughts and feelings. Deep inside, I'm just a fragile and hollow human being. Most of the time, my brains might be better off splattered due to its massive cognitive load. If I can stand today, I need to be proud of myself since I can hold all the pieces of myself together intact.

One thing I need to learn this year is to manage expectation. I hold a high standard for myself thus I apply those standard to people around me. I can stretch my tolerance to certain extent but somehow my nature being an overanalyser and overthinker drove me to put those around me in high pedestal. Which I shouldn't have done in the first place. Just like how I misread someone's effort to help me. Instead of appreciating that they are just being kind and polite, I misread it as something I shouldn't even have thought before.

Not everyone operates similarly to me. Not everyone has the same circumstances. I have to manage my own thought process, lowering expectation, and stay neutral. Not blocking off, just neutral and observe. I don't want to let myself read too much that stimulates my brain to filling the pattern. It is hard for me since I love being in control. I love a predictable environment so I know how to behave. For me, living my life is like a playing chess. I have to be ahead of the steps so I can anticipate. To think back, I wasn't that kind of person. I was care-free and not reading into things too much. Just go with the flow. But where was I? Been getting hard slap from reality and crushed hope for being infatuated. Hopefully, I learn from these past accidents. Not putting expectation to everyone else around me.