33 and Free!

It crosses my mind looking back at the same age, my mother already had the 10 years old me while I am still single and free. That's what made her, her and I am, me.

There were times I was so frustrated because everything I told her couldn't pass through. The way she is dissatisfied with her marriage, her life, and wishing to life better. As long as I can remember, she has been telling me those stories since I stepped into an adolescent. Without her re-telling me, I kind of remember the details of her story. But I just realised, what she had done to me was unwise. She pushed me to be the responsible adult of the family without her realising it's her own job to do. My parents are like that, the word "acceptance" and "forgiveness" apparently don't exist in their mind. Hence, they dwell on their on suffering seeing the world unfair and evil to them.

I, on the other hand trying to let go of frustration because my parents will never be able to make peace with their life. No matter how hard I helped them to understand, no matter how many times I educate them to realise the weight of their own choice, it will never pass through. Therefore, I started choosing myself. By doing so, they lost access to the daughter who is projected to be responsible for the family. By doing so, they are unwillingly have to face their own action's consequences.

My privilege didn't come from wealth, it came from how parents keep projecting their dissatisfaction, insecurities, and irresponsibility to me. Simply put, I learned life in hard way. Gladly, I eventually made peace with it. Instead of insisting that what I was experiencing are unfair (they are indeed), I see them in a light. Without growing up as the "responsible adult" of the family, maybe I am not who I am right now. Though I have to admit that I still need to do a repairing work for the implications of those "privileges".

Thus, stepping into 33 was kind of lighter and softer compared to when I just start 25 or 30. Why? I am working on my social skill too which needs to be appreciated. For the past 7 years, I guess I honed my social skills: ability to recognise pattern, heightened sense of reading the room, improving acceptance and forgiveness, restrain self-centric behaviour, trying to understand more, and unapologetically being authentic to myself.

That doesn't mean I stopped learning and improving, I still have to. I still need to work on more on my knowledge, knowing my place to talk or not to talk, sensing whether I have to step or stop stirring unnecessary actions or speech. On top of all, I need to let go of control. I need to ask for help more and let someone lead especially not tying my self-worth into my contributions.

Growing up not receiving unconditional love from the very first person who shall do that left deep mark on me: my self-worth is defined by what I can bring to the table. I am contributing is a good thing but I shouldn't think that I only worthy of being loved because of what I give to people. I can be loved as I am and for who I am.

I came up with a question, "What am I if I stripped down from my job?"

Turned out, I am just me? Strongly driven by curiosity, a person with habitual unnecessary analytical investigations when hooked with something that interests her, a hard worker, and the person who loves pleasant things.

Probably for some of my friends, I am a good friend. The loyal one. The one who cares. The one who look care-free and secure.

Deep inside, I am just a ball of insecurities because I keep thinking I have no value if I don't contribute or work hard.

Lastly, it's not about growing up and figuring out adulthood sustaining the insecurities. I just wishes year ahead I will eventually achieve things I have dreamt of and put effort into, for example: receiving PhD Offer. And just like what I always wrote for the birthday post: thank you for keep being alive, moving forward, work on things you need to do. This is life, enjoy it while it last!