It's romance but also a tragedy?

I was irritated.

I remember our first interaction and I felt irritated. Because I challenged you and your colleague but you both didn't give me a satisfying answer. Thus, I judged you. I was irritated by your behaviour, your refusal, and your unwillingness to receive feedback. My first impression of you was "Oh this person won't take feedbacks."

I also remember the time when you "abuse" me, I borrowed this word from your colleague by the way, it was when you pushed me to work on impossible things because the other party didn't want to cooperate and you kept saying that we couldn't update to the C-level. I mean, you're the smart one here, figure things out. That's when I withdrew myself and probably you sensed it so you felt guilty then you approached me not to apologise but to claim that your good job also had the touched of my work there. Foolishly, I fell for it.

I kept falling into your trap when I initially put my guard so high. I kept questioning your behaviour towards me, up until now I am still questioning it "Are you genuinely kind?" or "Are you just friendly to everyone?". It messed me up, actually messed my heart up. I hate to admit it, somehow I enjoyed it. Hence, I couldn't just dump all my disappointment on you because I participated in it. So did you.

First, what did you mean when you came to me back in Jogjakarta? Were you really just friendly? Why did you strike conversation with me when I didn't invite you? And why did you overshare things? Did you think I will care enough about your first time being in Jogja? Did you think you were just trying to melt things down with your small talk? Did you ever think I was warm enough for you to approach me?

The answer was actually no and I was puzzled. Not even your colleagues stroke conversation with me. Not even your colleagues being overly friendly like you did. Then why would you?

Second, why did you keep breaking my wall? Were all my help sufficient for you to navigate the organisation? You didn't have to be overly familiar to me or too attached to me. You didn't have to ask my whereabouts every time I didn't attend a meeting. You could always ask someone else instead of keep circling back to me. You didn't have to rely on me, in fact there were lots of people out there who would also willingly help you. You planted ideas on me, you know.

Unfortunately you also planted ideas to almost everyone and again, I fell into your trap.

I have to compliment you for having such a great emotional intelligence tho, you knew how to deal with weak-spot of your counterpart. And it happened to be my competence spot, it happened to me who is desperate for validation to contribute and ensuring things are going well. You did a great job on that so you need to celebrate it and praise yourself for that. I am sure your boss fond of you because of that. I helped you a lot, voluntarily. Because I want your work to be acknowledged by the management. I want you to succeed because we have hired you for 60 Bn. I didn't want your work to go to waste so I helped you a lot.

And you managed to eventually trust me, you gave me room to collaborate which I never experienced before with the consultants I worked with previously. You engaged intellectually with me which became a catnip to my ego. You relied on me which again boost my ego for being "a valuable person in the organisation". I was just naively believe that when I helped you shine, I proved myself I have worked well. And never did I know, I happened to fall for you in the process.

I was still irritated by you and your hyper-fixation on things back then. I was irritated because when you unable to find the correct numbers, you tend to hyper-focus instead of thinking a work-around. But I also learned from you, a lot. I learned on how you think. I learned on your integrity and methodology. I learned on how you put yourself in such a high-standard when working on your deliverables. Again, foolishly we eventually found the middle-ground. And that's where things get more unmanageable for me.

I liked you as a person. I fell into our collaboration rhythm and how well we worked together. I enjoyed us when we solve problems, navigate the methodology, and even dealing with difficult people together. I felt that you met me in the middle. You were patient with me. You eventually listened to me and put weigh to my opinion. I liked it when you praise me openly and being thankful to me that I helped you a lot. I was head in the clouds when you acknowledged me. On top of that, I loved our banter. I don't know about you but I honestly loved it.

That's when I felt some sort of connection with you that I wanted to pursue. That you possessed qualities I yearned for a partner. You showed me that I deserved such kind of relationship and how a partner sees me as his equal not his subordinate or lesser than him. You respected my opinion and arguments, I also respected yours. Everything felt so reciprocated. Little did I know, I later realised that probably I got misled.

By your friendliness. Caring. And clinginess (?)

Perhaps you later realised that I slowly got interested in you personally. I was just responding to the warmth you give me. I reciprocated it, thinking probably it's alright for me to slowly show it. You know, you have melted my wall then I was thinking, "Fuck it! Let me embrace it". I am not fully blaming you tho, in fact I enjoyed the romance. After having so many heartbreaks and it's been too long for me experiencing romance, you gave me one. It was refreshing and made my days better. You didn't know, did you? Of course you didn't.

I embraced you. I accepted you. I opened up myself to you when it was hard for me to be vulnerable and yet now I realised, "Ah probably you just used me." I am just a helper to smooth things your work. I am just a boost to your career. Though understandable, that's why I complimented you for that. Congrats for being such an emotional intelligent consultant. You made it! You did well on your project, outstanding even.

You owed me a lot tho, not just lunch. Coffee is an understatement. The bare minimum is you owe me dinner. You owe me honesty and transparency. Did you genuinely kind? Were all the behaviour you showed me the real you? Were you genuinely consistent with your words?

I doubted you. I saw inconsistencies in you. Your action didn't match your words and it left me disappointed. Despite now I accepted your excuse and the fact that you didn't even think to contact me when you're here, you can just be honest with me. I can take your rejection, I am not weak. I am a straight-forward person and I expected you to be one. Because you are the consultant, you are the foreigner, you're not even the one who worked at a place where you have to put facade. It disappoints me that you weren't being transparent if you don't want to spare your time to meet me. It disappoints me that you don't being honest that you put boundaries. You keep me in the middle, leaving me hanging. Only for me to figure out without even asking. I don't like that.

We can still work together even if you rejected me or putting boundaries tho. I am not the clingy one here, it was you. I dislike being confused. I dislike being left hanging. I dislike dishonesty. So I will appreciate you more if you just say things out loud. You can keep me as your best client-counterpart even if you have zero interest with me, but not this way. Not by being inconsistent and staying in your status-quo. If I now perceive you as a person I have to flag red, will you even agree tho?

And don't you think it's saddening that we started from negative perceptions and ending it negative way too? It started by me being irritated and ended by me being disappointed.