Do We Deserve It?

It's been day 35 of Working From Home. Compared to other people, I live my life comfortably. By means, I still have my job and my monthly salary paid in full. I also lived with my parents and sister. Key point, it seems that I have nothing to be regretted later at this time. And if I complained about my life, people will pinpoint me of not being a grateful human being. I wonder that all the comfortable life owned by 0.1% population will think similar to me or hide hardships that I've ever known? Who am I to judge anyway?

I believe that this life is always a two sides: upside and downside. For anything behind those fancy penthouse or happiness, there will always be a sadness and endurance story that other people wouldn't even know. Just like my case.

It's been day 5 of Ramadan, this thought suddenly came to my mind "Do I deserve my position? Do I deserve my job? Do I deserve all of these privilege despite the outbreak that is still happening out there?" Again, it is related to the point I have mentioned in paragraph above: to be grateful. I am grateful but that doesn't mean I can't complain, aren't I?

Let's start tracking from my very first journey. Do I deserve my current job position? I don't know. Considering my educational background, it was appealing, a finance graduate. Recruiters would expect me to work in finance related tasks which requires strong background of economics, accounting, management, and of course finance. Do I occupy all the requirement? I would say, I don't. I was never good at accounting or finance to begin with but I do admit that I learn pretty quickly and sometimes, my logical thinking is excellent. Though I was never an expert of finance at least I hold the basic knowledge and studied the field for years. Therefore, I know where the account leads to, I understand the basic principle, and the rest I will learn it more. It's never too late to learn something new, do you agree?

I had this conversation with a friend, "Do we deserve to be in our current Department?" and He said yes. Not much people will be suitable for our Directorate, if we happened to work there, that means we were the chosen. Why? Because the department I work for requires strong logical thinking, broad networking, and few other criterions since we have to deal directly with the Directors and we contribute to determine the directions that company should take for the next 5-10 years. Our department is metaphorically the higher ups. I don't work on routine tasks, I work on project. Once the project is delegated, I can't escape. It requires full strength and it explains why the pressure is higher than anyone else.

Especially on the season of Work From Home like this, my friend seems to know me that I do nothing. In fact, I do feel that I work more hours compared to Work From Office. I didn't expect that working remotely would exceed my expectations like this. If I work freelance, I could bear with that because it's the consequences of choosing to work remotely. However that's different in my case, I think since WFH was implemented, the seniors are tend to abuse working hour and didn't even work properly, effectively, or efficiently which made me irritated. Of course I have the rights to complain right?

Work From Home doesn't mean one can abuse the work hour. Yet, the older generations couldn't really understand this basic point.

Honestly, every single time I ranted about the abused of work hour and never ending work load, I often feel conflicted. I am in between of not being grateful and grateful at the same time. Do I deserve this treatment? Do I deserve to feel guilty if I didn't join the video conference that is held over the work time? Do I deserve to complain despite the pandemic scenarios that impacted another people who life in more suffering circumstances? Thus, I had this rollercoaster mood, up and down, switching at an instant. Because I just don't know whether I should have been grateful or angry of the current scenarios that I am doing.

I just dislike the thought that I might be the one who suffer, I am not. There are more people life worse than me. I also dislike the thought that I life more comfortable life, because that is not the truth either. Can't we just be considerate and not seeing one self as the one who is more suffering than the other? Because I guess, we have our own problem in different form. 

And do I deserve the position? I don't know. Maybe He knows.