VOID

Actually what happened to me?

I keep asking myself what happened? Because I really don't know what is going to happen the next day, next year, or 10 years later. I am a person with a plan, though not quite that planned but I always have vision to what I am going to do for a long term. And now I lose that.

Everytime I opened my Youtube, I am always telling myself to build my own home or creating a song cover or such. But I didn't do that. Why? Because the future is so blurry. There are a lot of probability that I might be dead soon or that there is no safe place in the world because everywhere will got a disaster. And that the pandemic doesn't seem to be over soon. Everything is just blurry therefore I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

I have been doing a counselling lately, I told the psychologist that I might have an impostor syndrome because I keep thinking that I'm not good enough at everything I do. After few meetings, she came to a conclusion that's not my problem. She still sees my fire, she told me that I'm still being productive outside of work and that I am still a high achiever. Those thought came from my own expectations. That I expected myself to keep doing better and better than I have done. So, I am putting weight on my shoulders unconsciously. 

Not creating anything only means that I have no purpose. But what is my purpose anyway? I'm still trying to figure out what is my specialties? What I'm really good at? Is it writing? I don't think so because I have been ignoring my research for three months by now. And that the boss where I do part-time work has already asked me to carry on with the research. I don't think writing or probably my dream of doing PhD is there anymore. Do you ever feel on how void you are when you are losing sparks on things you always like? That's what I feel now. 

I still want to do a PhD, I still want to study higher. But the probability, my capability, everything just says "No". Why do I think so? Look, I am not that smart or persistent. PhD requires persistency, hard work, and struggle. I am not there yet, I am still far from "deserve to pursue PhD". I am still the lazy me. But why? Why do I keep being lazy? Why do I lose my motivation and passion and the fire that always burn me inside to keep moving forward?

I don't like being in my work environment, that's obviously as clear as a crystal. Is it true that's the reason stopping me from being me? You know, I have been distracting myself so much outside work. I am not productive at work, I usually ignore anything and lean on my peers to get the work done. I distracted myself by finding new hobbies which is actually good. But it's not stopping right there. I haven't found my peace yet. I am resisting to the world against me. I feel indifferent. I feel that I just don't fit but at the same time I need the money. However, I can't fake it. I can't keep going on inside an environment that intoxicating me and suffocate me. 

So, tell me what I got to do?

Tell me now. Because I clearly don't know what to do. What is the purpose of me living on this earth? What do I want? What do I want to do with my life?