For What Happened Around Lately

My life has been unfair since the beginning, but does that mean I close my eyes and pay nothing to the unfairness of the world? I don’t think I can do that .

One day in college, I had a lecturer who was against me. I don’t know what kind of mistake I did in particular. I didn’t know why she scolded me a lot. Probably because I read the material from my tablet? Or probably because I moved my legs while she’s giving a lecture? I didn’t know why she kept bothering me when I literally just being a normal student. 

  

Then there was one time when I stood up for myself because I felt she kept attacking me. Attack is such a harsh words anyway. Well let’s say she kept asking me question as if I didn’t pay attention to her. To be honest, her class was so fearful. Everyone in my class felt uncomfortable too when she taught us. 

So, I was fed up with how she treated me and I spoke up right in front of her face. “What have I done wrong? To be honest, we don’t like the way you (in a polite manner in Bahasa) taught us in fear. That made us uncomfortable.” And blablabla, I told her everything that crossed my mind back then. 

Then she replied: “Okay, I’m sorry. I promise you guys, I will change for the next lecture.” Then she left the class, leaving my friends cheering me up. Did that end easily? Of course no, she threatened one of my classmate by giving us bad grades. Then this classmate and the others are begging me to ask for her apologise. Later on they think I was selfish because I spoke up for the uncomfortable treatment. And I was cornered until I surrender and ask her an apology. Obviously I didn’t do it for myself, I did it just because all my classmate asked me to. And since then she never taught our class again and our class was still getting bad grades lol. 

The key of the story: people will only praise you when you “seemed” to be their voice but they will put the blame on you when everything goes wrong. 

Apparently this kind of thing happened again in my life. I have this kind of situation countless of time. I blatantly confront people if they bothered me. And this one, actually, for the sake of myself and my sanity. 

I wrote an article in Medium on March 2020. I criticised the Work From Home regulation which actually for me was a blessing since I don’t really like Working From the Office. So the title is basically me criticising the implementation of Work From Home in my unit. At first, I was triggered by articles that I have read and felt relatable. Because the additional working hour and the fatigue is real. Then I elaborate it by linking to my real-life experience. 

And that was when I felt so fed up with the working hour in my unit. The boss kept asking us to work after hour to discuss about the document we worked on. But I think there was no progress, no matter how long we discuss it. Moreover, the discussion was held every night!!!!!! EVERY NIGHT! Who in the right mind wanted to work more 12 hours per day every day? Who? 

Clueless about how to cope with the stress and the clashed idealism, I just feel safe to write it down and calm myself. Maybe this article can be my reflection later in the future, I thought. And I subtly or blatantly asked for help for the higher authority to at least gave me a back up if I got attacked by my boss because I wrote such things. 

To be honest, my company has determined the working hours. I just don’t understand why there are older individuals who utilise their power aka power abuse to the subordinate. And I don’t understand how can they bypass the written regulation by the company? And where do I have to complain about this when everyone just said: anywhere is the same, we also work for more than 8 hours. 

I was frustrated because this is abnormal but getting normalised. I was frustrated because when I tried to normalise the normal working hour, that’s me who is punished. That’s me who is perceived as an ungrateful bastard. 

I have tried to cope by undergoing hours working. At some time, I just wanted to ask permission and etc to limit myself from keep working after hours. I was raged because it always happen and nobody really take actions or speak up about it. When I did, I was once did, they said that I’m a greener so I didn’t know how it works in my unit. How can I not feel frustrated and raged? 

Few of my friends are on my side but the other weren’t. I understand, we have different priorities. They said to just go with the flow and be patient because these old people are going to retire soon. But what if that doesn’t happen? What if I can’t hold it anymore until 2 or 3 years later? What if I choose to suicide rather than being a submissive of this abnormal behaviour and abuse of power? 

So I wrote. I never knew it is going to be blown up 5 months later. 

At first, there was an acquaintance reached out to me and asked me about the articles. She gave me Kudos. Then more people reached me. Until it became viral and I couldn’t control it. 

What did I feel? First, I’m glad that people gave me positive reactions since it’s relatable to their condition. I feel like I gained support for my belief. That working more than working hours is abnormal, especially when it’s done everyday. However, there will always be a consequences which I had seen since I made the post into public. 

The anti-critic culture, the defensive ordinates, and etc. 

Some of them labeled me arrogant which I don’t know in what part of me being arrogant? Is calling out bad habits and straightened it called arrogant? Or they call me arrogant because I stated that I will gladly accept the consequences? Or again, is it because I have turned into an ungrateful bitch? 

If standing for ourself is being called arrogant, no wonder there aren’t much people standing for themselves in this puny world. 

Second, I have to admit that I’m scared too. Who won’t be scared? Though I also said that I’m ready for the worst scenario and etc, I’m scared that I will be the one who get punished. Because life is unfair since the beginning. It’s not the one who made mistakes being punished, but the one who pointed it out who get punished. 

And it happened, boss called me and pin point that I breached some of my company rules such as: spreading company’s confidentiality which I only wrote that as a supporting evidence that my company concerned about our working hour and the fact that I discredited my company. 

As far as I can recall, I didn’t discredited my company. I asked for help and it works! It reached out the person as I planned. To be honest, I explicitly discredited my boss. Because he’s the source of my problem. And I seek for help so he can be disciplined or whatsoever by the higher authority. 

I don’t know in which part that I am so wrong. Probably because I’m stubborn? Probably because I just don’t fit in? Probably I was wrong since my mom gave birth of me to this earth. 

What hurts me the most is the fact that the closest person I told this story also said that I am an arrogant bitch when all I ask just a fair treatment and significant change. That made me think again about myself. Am I just an impostor self-righteous declared bitch? Or actually I’m just nothing who is better to keep her mouth shut and ignore unfairness in this world. Then I thought it must be nice to be just straight evil since the beginning.