So Close Yet So Far

Getting a PhD is my next big dream after I pursue a Master degree in 2017. However, the older I get I think the harder it gets for me to start a PhD. First and foremost, I don't trust myself. When I was younger and wilder, I thought my passion was in academic writing. I just don't feel that anymore. Probably because I have worked and never wrote a proper academic writing? Or mostly because I don't trust my capability to pursue a PhD? Or perhaps because I have no money?

Every time I feel tired at work, I wanted to channel my energy by researching PhD programs. I have some in mind, including LSE. Why LSE? Because they offer Behavioural Science program which I have been longing this whole time. My interest to Behavioural Science hasn't faded yet. And I still want to pursue a big dream there. I still have my long term goal: working on the Behavioural Insights Team.

The truth is the more I think about it, the more it seems so far from the word "feasible". To pursue a PhD, I need to be a lecturer to at least convince my career background. But I am not an academia, I'm a practitioner in the economic field. I work for corporate not for school. To pursue a PhD, I have to really understand the academic writing and statistics programming. None of them are my field of expertise by now. I work with number yes, but not using Phyton or etc. And I just feel too old to start learning about that. I never once good with programming anyway. To pursue a PhD I have to build reputation, I have to get a funding, and a lot of things that came in mind.

Some people said PhD is working. I hope so. So I can earn a grant to start working as a fellow PhD student. But my options are limited, I think the wide open door for me is to apply to my former scholarship awarding. It comes with consequences: I have to go back home again. And I have proven that by going back home, I am no longer as happy as I was when I am not home. Living in the UK by myself is indeed hard but at least I don't have to engage with surrounding negativity. Living in the UK just feels more homey than I am here in my own home country. There, I felt I grew so much in a positive way. While here I have to be trapped with clashed value and negativity I have to put up with.

Things that's stopping me from refraining myself pursuing PhD are a lot as I have mentioned earlier. Some times I still have the flame in me. When I started to give up on pursuing that dream, I remind myself there might be time and opportunity open for me. I just have to wait few more years. Therefore I keep building my reputation as a researcher in Advislab. Though maybe that wasn't enough. I started to keep writing so-called-academic writing. It might be really hard, especially for the funding. For now I don't think I'm eligible enough to apply as a PhD Student. Hopefully in the next few years I will be ready to go back to London as a PhD student. And I hope after that, I can land a career in the Behavioural Insights Team.

Fingers crossed.