What is a Happiness?

It was all started with an impostor syndrome. Impostor syndrome involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite education, experience, and accomplishment. Or to be short, I started to have a low self-esteem.

That's the first thing I told my psychologist, that I probably suffer the Impostor Syndrome. I explained that I could no longer write for my blog which I used to proudly claim as my passion. Yes, my passion is writing, or that's how I used to believe for years before I started to doubt my self.

I also told her that I am constantly feel not good enough. That though I was graduated from a UK university doesn't change the fact that I am actually knowing nothing. Nothing related to my job. And that I started to believe that everything that I've done is nothing. I lost myself, I lost my purpose, I lost my happiness.

How do you define happiness?

Wikipedia said that the term happiness is used in the context of mental or emotional states, including positive or pleasant emotions. Ranging from contentment to intense joy. Did I consider myself happy? At some point, I did. I smiled, I laughed, I had good friends, I had good meals, I had good salary. What else stopping me from being happy?

Despite I keep myself positive, I knew that something was wrong. It feels like I'm losing spark of my life. I used to be very positive and visionary of my future. That I have lots of big dreams waiting to be achieved. I have goals. But not until recently, I am alive and being that happy again.

Two years after boarding to this company, working in an unit. I've never been hitting my lowest point of self-doubt. Probably because I was never that good since the beginning? Or probably because I just don't fit in? Or there are more probably and perhaps that I can't say one by one here?

Being constantly getting scolded at. Being constantly pointed for mistakes. Being constantly shut up for two years was enough. And now I'm re-gaining myself back. I'm slowly adapting to be the happier me.

I used to have lots of negativity in me. Though at some point I am still skeptical and perceive the world in negative way. But those two years were enough to make me drift into a state where I couldn't recognise myself anymore.

I have tried things to keep positive and distract myself from the negativity. As my psychologist has said, I need a positive support systems and avoid negative energy. She also knew me so well that I'm actually creative enough to cope with things I'm struggling at.

I started working out, I played drum and guitar, I danced, I drew. I also have DAY6 with me while I had the low line in my life. I had too much things to distract me from being anxious and drowned into negativity. But those didn't always work very well.

My psychologist knew and I knew, we both knew that the root cause wasn't really resolved. We both knew that the distraction may keep me being positive and happy but that doesn't last long. It feels like you take medicine today, but your cancer is still in your body. You can't be healthy and well recovered, unless you get rid of it from your body.

So we both agree to be actually healthy and free, I have to be in the new environment. Though it was difficult to find. But well, God always works in mysterious way. Hence, ladies and gentleman I re-claim my happiness.

The root cause of my alleged impostor syndrome, my self-doubt, my high function depression, my anxiety, my negative thoughts were caused from where I work. It turned out, I was just far too different from the way they do in that environment. There were a lot of things that I could no longer tolerate. It slowly destroys me inside. Honestly, I couldn't imagine myself if I am still staying in that environment. Probably I'll be dead by suicide later on in the future?

Since the beginning, I am never the submissive type. I am never the one who lived up to other's expectation. The only thing that can drive me is my own expectation. My psychologist also agree with this part, that I am a high achiever. Even for a high achiever like me, working in that non-sense demanding environment is not good. I am not the one who thought mistakes are sin. I am the person who embrace mistakes, we can make it up. We can learn and pick up ourself from it. Thus, these differences broke me down. It resulted on my well-being started deteriorating. I couldn't sleep well. I had difficulties breathing. I was in unstable mood for months. And til now, I'm still struggling to move on from my trauma. Just a small thing could be triggering.

And even in the last time of me parting ways, I was still being shut up. I was still being cut off when speaking. I didn't have my chance to say thanks or sorry, sincerely from my heart. But at least, now I'm happier. I'm more positive. And I am more productive compared to the last few months.

Though I have to admit, I still have a tiny part of me doubting myself. Am I good enough? Or I'm actually tailoring myself to be seen as a good enough by other people?