Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana:

dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan 

kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana:

dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan

awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

The poetry written in my own language, Bahasa Indonesia is top tier. No matter how cheesy or cringe your poem is, they're still beautifully written. Probably because we have the vocabularies to convey the actual melancholy feeling. It's so different when you read poet written in English. But strangely, the meaning of Al Qur'an is more beautiful when it's written in English. It really does capture the verses in such ethereal way.

Anyway, this post is not going to talk about poem. It's just another trash post in order to loosen the thread which tangles in my head. And yeah, once again it's about love.

As the poem above, it was written by Sapardi Djoko Damono, famous poet from Indonesia. I intended to make someone realise that I love him. And it's not so soon. Though I have to admit it was quite random and unexpected. I wanted to show him that I love him but it wasn't easy because I felt that I already got rejected though I haven't confessed yet.

My relationship with him is a bit strange. We only meet once a week and not much talking. But I instantly have a crush on him. Bad thing is, if I have a crush to someone, I have the tendency to be obsessed. More or less similar to Joe Goldberg but eliminate the psychopath part. And here I am, being overthink too much about what should I do to approach him and get closer to know him more.

I do admit that this time it's quite different. I am not the bold and straightforward me. I am being so patient. I tried so hard to keep my image. I rarely strike conversation if there isn't any moment. Shortly, I am not being usual self. Maybe because I feared of getting rejected again and again and again? Or maybe because I don't want to lose him? What's wrong with me?

Besides this person is so niche that somehow made me frustrated. We rarely share common ground so I don't have any clue to start a conversation. It was so hard. By far the hardest crush I had to face. By far he could make me instantly want to give up. And sadly I know that maybe he's still healing from his past heartbreak, so I assume it's harder for me to open his heart. Everything's so hard!

The most annoying thing for me is my nervousness. Like, whenever I met him I couldn't say a word. I was really scared that he might caught me red-handed of having crush to him. I've never felt I am lacking a lot when facing a crush. I am usually confident in myself, I have the degree, I have the job, whatsoever. But I couldn't be confident in front of him. I felt like I am too intimidating and free for him. I felt like I never deserve him. Ironically, I like him and assuming that he might be the one I needed.

All of this problem is actually came from I don't know where to start. I don't know how to act normally in front of him. I lose all my cool. I can't be the usual self. The more I think about it, the more I got distant from him. But I guess, it's time for me to be myself again. To be bold and straightforward. To be brave though I am going to get rejected. Because it's actually simple, if he rejected me then he's not the answer God had given me.