How Far Have You Changed?

Looking back, I had changed a lot. Even I don't think that I could stay in the same circle of friends that no longer aligns with my perspective. And I usually discuss this a lot with my fellow boarding friend. She highlighted how much she has changed compared to years ago. And now I realised that too, I have changed. More people around me are also changed.

I wrote this because recently I bumped into my former university page, to look for an email of a lecturer that I wanted to ask for a reference letter. In these past 6 years since I graduated, everyone has changed. The lecturer that only a year ago was the head of department now being promoted as Vice of Faculty Dean. More surprising, the lecturer that I wanted to ask for a reference is now holding the position as the head of department. So much has changed only in 6 years.

Me as well.

Looking back, forgiving wasn't my forte. Accepting the truth and losing to someone were my biggest disappointment. Who knows that the strong-headed, unforgiving, and such an impatient human like me is now being more forgiving, accepting, and letting everything go just the way it is?

I am still the stubborn me but I am no longer a person who wants to win over everything. I am still the ambitious me but I do know where to stop and where to let things go if it doesn't go the way I want. I am still full of rage and rants but I do understand that those rage and rants spewed on my trash tweets only for relieving the stress inside me. I am more of accepting and understanding if other people have different opinion than me. I am more into validating others' feeling. Not getting too much wiser, but I know I am wise enough to listen more rather than talk more.

Looking back, being appreciated as a person who had taking a further leap actually hits me in the back. I never knew that I had advanced higher and further that I was thinking. I thought I am gonna be forever a county bumpkin. I thought I am gonna forever live in dichotomy. I thought I've never made it this far. But yes, I made it far. I have seen the other part of the world. I have made few accomplishments that I never realised until I had to brag about it on my statement of purpose. I have grown a lot these past years in terms of mentality and professionalism. At some points, some moments of learning were hard and difficult. Yet I had passed most of it. And there will be more challenges and difficulties I have to face to be better to grow as more decent human.

Now since it's going to be my last year in my twenties, I wanted to be grateful for who I am right now. The one who is content and grateful of herself. I have a lot of flaw and I still have my insecurity but those don't stop me from pursuing what I already want. This year as well I started getting more serious in pursuing a PhD degree. A wish that I have been keeping since I was graduated from my MSc degree. I am hoping that by doing the PhD I got better and more opportunity to do what I love. To contribute more to the community with my knowledge. I can only wish the luck is once again on my side. That the universe let me have the opportunity to study once again.

All of this change was trade. I trade my trust, I trade my friendship, I trade my old bad traits into something better. Hopefully better.

I keep those who appreciate my existence and who are kind to me. I cut the fat from those who are no longer serve and align with me. But I do still believe, everything happened for a reason. Maybe there are lots of reasons and incident in the future that awaits to be revealed. And hopefully, once again, it will turn me to someone better everyday.

So, how far have you changed?