If It's Not For You The It Will Never Be

I am broken hearted. Not because of a romance this time but because I have made my choice. This ensures me that the journey of taking a PhD indeed is a roller coaster. And what's not yours will never be yours.

Just today I received an email from my supervisor whom previously I requested to defer my study. Earlier, I was informed that I got accepted as a PhD Route Student in Cardiff and at the same time, I am still doubting about the funding scheme. I am not sure if using the usual UK's PhD funding scheme will be affordable for me. For you guys to take notes, UK's PhD funding system usually doesn't cover: ticket expense, visa expense, and you will get paid a month after you start your study.

I have done my research since the last time I received the Letter of Acceptance. It will cost me a lot to get to the UK and gladly I have experienced in this matter. Okay, let's say I can afford to purchase the plane ticket to get there, but how's the immigration cost? In the recent UK immigration policy, it surely is helpful for you to secure jobs in the UK since they applied point-based visa and will grant you another additional two years visa for high skilled job hunting. However, it still costs a lot. According to their policy, aside the visa fee itself you will need to pay the National Health Surcharge. And I did my calculation, for my 4 years PhD it will roughly charge me £4900 which converted to IDR 61 mio. What I am saying is I will need to have at least IDR 150 mio to cover all expenses to relocate to the UK. It's not like I don't have the money, I have but I am not going to use it for that because it's my saving. And I don't want to spend all my saving.

Once again, I am broken hearted. I was having a mental breakdown more when I recently correspond with the School. I am not even yet secure the funding scheme offered. So chance is so low that I can afford the whole School without getting external funding. Then I decided to ask for a defer and I had to decline the offer this year.

It is so sad.

My supervisor to be is a good person from the way we communicate until today. He is the first one to reach me and interested in my research proposal. He accommodate my needs and gave me opportunity. To have him accept me after my 5 years relentless effort in securing place to study is a blessing. But I felt so guilty that I let him down and turned down the offer. So upsetting.

I somehow can see that this is bound to happen when I started thinking about the relocation and the fund that I am currently posses. There are a lot of things that becomes a burden for me. And that I feel I am not ready to leave this year. I haven't yet prepared my mentality to start a new journey as a PhD student. Not in this circumstances. I still need to work with my plan to promote first, I still need to organise things for my sister to get her higher degree. I need to work on a lot of things before going at ease.

It is upsetting but also easing.

I felt one burden is being lift out of my shoulder. Now I can focus on my career before leaving. Although just few weeks ago I also felt so lucky to finally hold into an exit ticket. I don't need to think about money again. All I need is to live my life to the fullest again this year. To prolong my passport expiration next year. To deal with unfinished business here. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. There might also be a blessing in disguise, better opportunity, or stronger reason that I need to stay a year longer here.

Anyway, this is just me pitying myself and sharing what has bothering my mind. Bear in mind, I am still positive that I will be truly get the best thing in my life next year. This year isn't just my year. Next year, I will truly leave for Cardiff.